Isn’t killing time the absolute worst when you’re going through a divorce?
Divorce is hard. It’s normal to feel broken, hurt, and confused. As your day-to-day schedule changes, time crawls to a stop. Waves of emotions crash, leaving you worn out and numb. People try to support you, but they don’t truly “get” how deep the pain cuts. They don’t understand why you can’t get over it faster. Some of them might try to console you saying, “time heals all wounds” but this cliche is tired and flawed.
Time can feel like your enemy right now. It’s scary spending time alone when you’re not sure who you are anymore. Life has changed – drastically. You’re now forced to face the truth when you lay in bed alone. Or when your kids are away with your ex. It might be the first time you’ve been truly alone in a long time. And it sucks.
Picking up the pieces can seem impossible. As time stretches in front of you, it’s overwhelming to face what comes next. The finances, the lawyers, the stress about the effect of the divorce on your children. Go ahead – cry, scream and sob in your car if you need to. Get those feelings out.
It’s normal during these moments to reminisce and romanticize the past when you thought the relationship was perfect and you were happy.
Time itself doesn’t heal all wounds. It’s what you do with that time that does. Time is a precious gift, and if you use it wisely, you’ll not only survive this transition, you’ll thrive. Whether your separation is fresh, or you’ve been going through this process for awhile there are things you can do with the time you have to help you adjust to your new life.
This is a process. There is no rush to the finish line where you win the trophy of healing. Everyone heals at a different pace, and you set the momentum of yours. It’s vitally important to allow yourself the time you need for your healing to blossom. This process will feel like a rollercoaster, complete with stomach-wrenching ups and downs. When I was going through my own divorce, I read that the average length it takes to heal from divorce is two years, but what I learned is no set time frame exists. The period it takes to move through your divorce is up to you, and for many of us, it takes much longer than a couple of years. When I first came across that statistic, I thought to myself, “not for me! I’ll definitely get over this more quickly.” In reality, it took a little longer than two years to process everything and feel like me again.
This doesn’t mean you’re sentenced to feeling awful for two years. During this time you’ll feel every emotion under the sun. You’ll have moments where despair pulls you under its spell and others where you’ll laugh and sing. This time is your gift to fully mourn the loss of your relationship, so you have the space to rebuild your confidence.
When you give yourself permission to take time for ‘you’, you’ll feel better accepting yourself as you are.
You’ll have room to treat yourself with compassion, even if your healing isn’t happening as quickly as you’d like.
You’ll accept your grieving as valid, and allow yourself what you need to grow strong.
This is a difficult process and will take as much time as you need it to.
Be kind to yourself.
During this time, find your supporters and let them know you need them. It might be hard to open up about your pain, but it’s crucial you have a support structure for your mental and emotional well-being. You’ll need your loved ones during long lengths of this journey – to listen when you’re ready to talk and help whenever you reach out. My research has shown that 65% of divorce survivors attributed their healing to the support network they formed during the divorce process. Knowing you have someone to rely on when you need to hash out your feelings builds your confidence when you’re shaky and vulnerable. It’s important to feel safe. Talking openly and honestly with someone you trust will let you process your feelings freely. It’ll also give you the personal connection you need to feel grounded.
That’s why it’s so important to choose your support team discriminately. Choose people that are “your” friends and family. Your ex’s family members, ex’s-partner’s best friend, ex-in-laws are all conflicted in this situation. They have their own challenges now that the status has changed. You can’t be sure that the personal and private discussions you have with them will be kept in confidence or revealed to your ex-partner. The truth is, it’s normal to lose friends during this time. The same research discussed above shows that though some of the divorcees lost friends from the dissolution of their marriages, reconnecting with old friends was beneficial. Those old friends really helped them through the roughest parts of their journey.
Enlist the help of friends and family. Open yourself up to them, and explain what you need. They can’t read your mind or your heart. Ask them to be part of your journey. There will be times you feel lost, and you’ll need guidance. Sometimes you’ll just need a friend to fill the long hours you have alone. Your supporters can help you keep you busy. Find someone who doesn’t pressure you to pretend you’re not struggling; someone who lets you be you. Having trustworthy, compassionate people around to bolster you when you need it will help you gain your sense of humour and independence back.
Professional help is vital when your mental health is on the line. Anxiety and depression can creep up and take over your life. If you’re not functioning well in your day-to-day life or experiencing disturbing thoughts that concern you, counselling or professional help is necessary. These professionals specialise in finding the source of your emotional pain; they can help you put your relationship to rest. You’ll then be mentally equipped to start over with a fresh and positive outlook. Counsellors and psychologists play an important part in processing your emotional pain and provide you tools for dealing with the darkest emotions we feel.
Divorce coaching is a great option side by side with counselling, and also when it’s time to look forward. When you’re ready to open the chapter to your new life, a divorce coach will give you the tools and support for a powerful, new perspective that leads to a bright future. A Divorce Coach is a sounding board who can help you work through every step of the divorce process without judgment. You’ll have someone with you to help you approach each challenge with positivity and hope. A Divorce Coach is your personal mentor who is focused solely on helping you build an empowered and passionate life. They’ll help you build the confidence you need to move forward and take the next steps to achieve the life you want.
As your Divorce Coach, I’ll guide you with methods to take control of your personal situation, and make decisions you feel good about. We’ll work together to create a future you look forward to. I’ll be a shoulder to cry on, or a guide through the jungle of child custody arrangements, separation of assets, legal documentation, financial concerns, mindset reframing and more. We’ll build your confidence along the way so you’re excited for an empowering life in your control. We’ll rewrite your story so you’re the star of your life. If you need someone on your journey to lift you up and help you clarify your perspective, then schedule a session and begin the journey to freedom.
Divorce is tough, but if you take the time you need to heal and surround yourself with a strong support network and professional help, you will thrive. There’s an empowered life full of strength and confidence waiting for you when you’re ready. Take all the time you need.
If you’re ready to rewrite your story and take back control of your life, schedule a free 20 minute chat. Rebuild an independent, empowered life full of passion and confidence today.
The Global Survey
Part of my goal is to create greater understanding of the challenges of divorce and separation through research.
My aim is to help women the world over feel supported when there seems that no-one understands. If you have experienced divorce, I invite you to give the gift of your perspective to those now and in the future experiencing this life transition.
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